To My Future Son In Law, From A Mother In Law Who Loves Her Hurting Daughter

A Message to The Holder of My Daughter’s Heart - My Newest Son-In-Law to Come

(names have been changed, but the message is the same)

Daniel, I wanted you to know I was so glad you called and talked with my husband, Trent personally about marrying Annie. I know you are quite old enough to make these kinds of decisions on your own with my daughter, but to be so brave and respectful of Trent and asking his blessing, meant a lot to my heart.

Dan, I love seeing her happy and loved again, yet I know she has paid a heavy price to get where she is in life today. Dan, I’m not sure you understand how desperately grieved she was over the death of her first marriage. I feared for her very life, the tiny thread that she held onto. Now you, her love from college days have found her and brought love back into her life.

I need to talk with you about some things that only a mother can know about her child. I worry that there may be some deep scars that even she doesn’t know she’s carrying from the divorce. I know she’s been able to speak to you from the dark places of her heart and trust you with the horror she experienced. I believe from watching you live and learning about your character that you are wise enough to understand this may affect her in ways she doesn’t realize, and may carry into the marriage with you. These are just some things I needed to talk with you about from a Mom’s perspective. From Annie’s Mom.

First, she and Tyler did NOT have Christ as the center of their marriage from the get-go, and there Dan, was the beginning of the fall. I cannot express to you enough how important it is to have your husband as your spiritual leader. Annie will now fall under your ‘umbrella’, so to speak spiritually. Your relationship with the LORD can affect your relationship with her AND her relationship with the LORD. I DO believe Annie DOES need to take responsibility for her own growth in the LORD and not just hanging onto your coat-tails of spirituality.

There will be time during your marriage where there are shifts in balance of your walk with the LORD, where maybe during one season of life one of the two of you may be the stronger one, and need more carrying or encouragement. This is the cool aspect of being a Christ-centered marriage. Dan, JESUS was sometimes the only link that held Trent and I together during the hard struggles and bitter battles that arose. Trust me on this, you may think you will not have these arguments or disagreements like others, but Dan, it’s the human side of us to disagree, going the entire way back to Kane and Abel. I’m sure those brothers heard arguing from the first parents of the world too. I imagine Adam and Eve got into some heated whooping finger-pointing over whose fault it was that they were cast from the Garden of Eden. They were the only man and woman to come from a perfect world yet, temptation go the best of them too. Basically what I’m trying to say is things are bright and wonderful with you both in this ‘honey-moon’ phase of your relationship, and I am glad, that is how it is to be, and I’m not trying to rain on your provide, just give you some tips that come from a seasoned married woman. There will come a time when you realize the guts of everyday living, the bills, the jobs, the interruptions of daily life will seep into your relationship. This is when sex will not be the cure-all, pardon my bluntness. God does give us the gift of intimacy, yet it is the intimate relationship with the creator that’s going to sustain your journey together.

I advice marriage counseling. I realize that in these sessions many couples may answer questions ‘correctly’ because that’s how you believe you will communicate and settle disagreements after marriage, but this doesn’t always follow true in the moment of a heated debate where one of you feels stronger about an issue than the other. I pray this may make sense to you. I know before marriage we live a more guarded life and live on a ‘natural’ high. Or even better, maybe you both HAVE really been yourselves as much as you know to be without the ceremony of marriage yet. Dan, Annie is a bit of a follower. Yes, she’s fiercely independent in some ways, yet on the other hand she is the type of person who needs to feel loved to feel validated. (Don’t we all?) Most women do need this, this is how God made us differently than you men. She goes where the man goes, and I sometimes relate her to the character in the movie “The Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.
Please follow my train of thought here, and maybe you will understand her inner-makings a bit more. Julia Robert’s character, Maggie, also took on the persona of the man she was engaged to. If he liked eggs a certain way, then that’s the way she liked her eggs cooked. It seems silly, but the movie did have a good point, in the sense that Maggie did not know herself enough to know what SHE really liked. She immersed herself into her newest fiance` and took on traits and habits of his. I’m praying Annie has found herself, and does KNOW what she really wants. It is a concern of mine, because let’s both face it, she hung onto a disastrous marriage for the sake of not wanting to be alone. I believe God wants us to have Interdependence in a marriage, no co-dependence.

Dan, your Annie has always had a creative soul to her. She loves trying to learn to crochet or knit. She and I both would go through phases where we tried so much to
make things, and then get so frustrated when we can’t catch on to it quickly enough. Encourage her in this. You will benefit from seeing her creativeness. She loves taking pictures and is good at doing this. She sees beauty that others don’t see. Encourage her to continue this. She loves and defends those on the ‘outside’ of a group, or what we referred to as the ‘fringe’ people, because she herself is an introvert and a ’fringe” person, wanting to include her. Take care of her and watch out for her. Her personality is that of a nurturer. A born nurturer. As a little girl she loved taking care of dolls and pets and always talked about having children. Tyler did not want children, and I am glad now that they didn’t have any. I know you love children Dan, you love being with your nieces and nephews, you are kind to animals, and that speaks highly of who you are. I am grateful for that.
Annie is passionate about music, we share that, and now you both do also. For that I am glad too. The songs she sends me featuring her favorite christian groups show me that you both are on the same page, and as a Mom, I needed to know this.

I’m going to ask something of you Dan. Pray together on your knees. This is the most awesome, humbling intimate thing you can do for your wife. When Trent prays for me aloud on his knees, I feel overwhelmed with loved and protection. I feel he truly has my best interests at heart and it makes me love him even more. It’s not an easy thing to expose yourselves to one another in this way, but just trust me on this Dan, it will do incredible things for your relationship.

A tip my dear son-in-law to be, some things just aren’t worth arguing about. Really. Many times I’ve learned that my own arguments were more about control and power issues. Yet after 32 years of marriage I understand there ARE some times where one of you may feel very strongly about something, more than the other, and that is compromise time. Or if not compromise, I try to step back from the situation and decide who this is issue is more important to, Trent or myself, and the effect it’s having on us. I’m still learning that most of the time, I just wanted to be right and heard, rather than to fix the problem. Bullying someone into agreeing with you on an issue doesn’t really work. Dan, some issues just are not going to be agreed upon by both of you. If it’s something like politics, agree to disagree, it won’t kill either of you not to think exactly the same way about everything. That is what will make your marriage survival unique. Yet, there ARE issues you need to agree on wholeheartedly. Dan, you can’t walk the fence with the LORD. He hates a lukewarm christian, and literally says he will spew you out of his mouth. In other words, don’t be a fence-hanger. Get strong and tough now, and decide and vow in your hearts that there will be lines you and Annie will NOT cross. Abide by them. Set boundaries. Otherwise, when your children come, they may become wishy-washy in their own beliefs and may never come to know JESUS as their Savior. You will be their greatest example, I know this to be true to life. Take stands for things, or else you will end up never standing for ANYTHING. There are still some absolutes in life and in the Word of God. Find the black and white issues, learn that not everything is gray. This is the tough road for you and Annie to take, but I have faith you will seek and find the answers.

I ask you to consider taking a financial class together. I realize you are a good caretaker and steward already of your money, but my daughter needs help with this. Budgeting is not her area of expertise, yet that is no excuse in not learning to do it better this time. If you take a class together, you can understand your strengths and weakness and learn to work together on your budget before marriage. Our society is such a ‘want it now’ world, that we don’t even know How to save for things anymore. We will just ‘put it on the card’ and pay it off next month. Dan, it never happens that way. Life happens. Things break down. Emergencies flare up. If you control your money now, it will not control you. Robbing Peter to pay Paul monthly can cause bitterness and resentment. 52% of all marriages end in divorce because of money problems. Be wise stewards of your money and give to our God first and he will bless you even more. Maybe not monetarily, but you will feel God’s blessing on your life in other ways. I know this to be true.

Lastly you are marrying a very loyal young woman. Loyal almost to a fault. She will have your back at all costs, and it’s a treasure to married to someone like that. She doesn’t talk or reveal private things about her husband (it wasn’t until the separation that we learned how deep her pain was, and what she endured), she is respectful. She needs hands on loving. She needs to told she’s looks lovely or pretty. She needs you to grab her hand and hold it, she needs to be hugged and kissed. She missed out on that so much. She responds so well to the ‘gift of physical touch’. I don’t just mean the sex act itself. There is a cool book by Gary Smalley entitled “The Language of Love”. Read it together, it’s illuminating. She thrives through words of encouragement and affirmation. There are 5 love languages and we all respond to certain languages more than others, find out what she requires. Study her. Learn to know her. Learn what she’s passionate about. Look at her face when she needs to talk to you, and you Dan, will be a super-couple.

I know I’ve had much to say, but I believe God wanted me to talk with you from a Mom’s heart. I love you Dan, and surround you with prayer and grace and peace.

Thank you my dear son-in-law to be for reading this with an open heart, and I pray you understand with your heart what I am trying to say. We gave her to someone the first time who hurt and grieved her. This time I need you to know something about the daughter I bore who will be in your care, and for you to know that I am entrusting you with the most precious gift a person can give, Her child.

Love, Annie’s Mom

Faith is not Necessary when You Know how Things Are Going to Work Out- That's Knowledge!

Someone just wrote, "Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
We've just had 3 young men die who lived in our town today. 20year old Ben Berger, 22 year old Nick Adenhart, and 23 year old Ryan Myers. It is now Good Friday, and remembering how Jesus died on this black day in History, yet, the brightest day in History also, reminds me to ask for Prayer for the Families of these Three Young Men. It will be a long time until "Good Friday" will ever be a "Good Friday" for their families left behind.

Kindness, It's power is often Underestimated

Kindness, How it has changed my life.

Love, Honor, obey. We all are familiar with those lines. Maybe some of us have opted out of using these words in the marriage ceremony. I believe there is a word that could be used in ceremonies, which would make for a life-time of love with your spouse. Kindness.
I believe my husband must have inserted Kindness into his vows, because He is the person who I have learned what kindness really means in action. An adjective,” Kind is described as “; thoughtful, gentle, helpful, friendly and sympathetic.” This is Mark.
I married him 32 years ago, and I realize now, how young and immature I was. He really wasn’t much older than me, but He seemed to possess some wisdom beyond his years.
We all have stories of who may have impacted our lives in compassionate or thoughtful ways, but many times we overlook our faithful spouse. The one who has shared many years of history with you. Mark’s gentle and kind ways come from his belief in the Bible. In the book of Galatians chapter 5: 22- 25, talks about ‘fruit of the spirit. It describes love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and many more wonderful attributes of a Godly man or woman.
I think of the many times, I would spout off my feelings, harshly, with hurtful painful words, when I was a younger woman, and I’d be waiting for his retaliation, but He would not speak until he thought about what he was going to say, and would talk to me with gentleness that I did not deserve. That self control lived daily has changed my life, there is good in men and women. It can be lived and grow.
We’ve survived the death of our first child, the birth of 4 more, disabling events to 2 of our children, weddings, grandbabies and a divorce. Yet, when I lay down at night, and look at this person, who chose me to marry, I am humbled at his kindness toward me.
I sometimes look at marriages, and notice that before marriage the couple speak sweetly and all about love and the promise of a great relationship, and then after marriage, something seeps out of them, and the sweetness they shared has changed into blame, anger, meanness, and unkind words. I feel sad wondering where they lost their goal of a good life together.
Mark chose on his wedding day, that this was going to be a forever deal, and how you treat your wife, is going to be a lifetime of choosing to know when to speak and when not to speak. I kept waiting for him to change into that husband we all dread. Instead, he just lived day in and day out, with the fruits of the spirit. I feel blessed to have learned so much from him. I am touched that after all these years; he still is kind, patient, and even wiser.
I didn’t learn about kindness through most venues we women learn from. I learned it from the one person who I see day in and day out. The person who has seen me at my best, and been with me at my worst.
I know that our children love him so much and our sons are trying to emulate their Dad. I believe the true measure of a man comes out in the ordinary everyday life, and Mark is the true measure of the adjective, Kind. Thank you Mark for not bending to the natural ways of men, but choosing to look long term on our marriage, and decide to base your words on “what she’ll remember”.
To be able to learn from your own spouse, is incredible, because I know he really has my best interests at heart. I know also, he is a loved and blessed man because He took his role as husband seriously, even at the young age of 21... My life has learned by his example, and grown in return,
we would be gentler, more careful with our words, we could change the dynamics of family life daily. Kindness, a powerful word, yet many times overlooked and underestimated. Kindness practiced and lived is similar to pay it forward, the returns you reap may not always be seen, but its effects ripple through time until the day we meet God